Thats all.

So here I am 100 or so posts later, a little older and a little wiser. If I could have done anything differently would I have?

Some of it definitely:

- I wouldn't put up with strange men that happen to be shagging my housemate eating up the last of my coco pops.
- Wouldn't read internet forums and get hysterical about so much stuff that has as much basis in reality as an episode of Inspector Gadget.
- Take some time to chill and realise that taking the odd day off will not mean the sky will fall on my head, or I will miss something life-changingly important (Aaron Beck deciding to pop in and needing a new helper, Richard Branson needing an heir, etc)
- Kissing Hunky Nick.
- Giving Spiny a slap (if only).
- Not see Tomb Raider 2: Cradle of Life.

Things I wouldn't change include:
- working face to face with the general public (which has made me so much more tolerant of slow waiters, and the new girl who has just started in the shoe department)
- Snooping in Olga's desk drawer and generally dicking around (although finding this weird box with Polish writing that was either some kind of sex toy or occult idol statue, which completely freaked me out).
- Starbucks time.

Okay, I am stretching out this goodbye way too long, but thank you SO much all of you regular readers. Thanks to Lishlove for her ever amusing emails and support, the rest of the bloggers tagged below that decided to follow me on my adventures, and everyone that emailed me privately (including the person who sent me the Pizza hut coupon which made me smile).

My undying gratitude to Spatch for all your help, guidance, blog pimping and encouragement to start this. I am sorry for nicking your writing style, but please note I never used used extremely complicated words or wrote about my day in the style of Shakespeare or that sort of thing.
(Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't acknowledge you but I lied).

I know you will never stumble upon and read this (God, at least I hope not) but thanks to Sarah, Charlotte, mum dad and the rest of the colourful cast of characters that were in my life over the last few months.

Though this is goodbye for now, I will keep the blog up to remind me of this interesting period of my life or incase it brings amusement to anyone else comes across it. I may post if anything spectacular happens (coming of the Lord, I am kidnapped, discover cancer cure, etc). If any of you are starting blogs email me and I will link to them, or you can do the whole "I follow" thing and people can read them from there (I will try to check my account sporadically, but no more offers for sending willy photos please).

Bye.

x

Unforgettable fire

When I started writing this blog I did it mainly out of therapeutic reasons. I wasn't sure if anyone would ever read it, but writing things down always helped me put things in perspective. Its been great to know others have liked what I have written, and that I may have entertained people. Someone commented that they hoped that the blog could have been about how I got onto training, and the whole process, and maybe it would have been a good story (would have had to change the title, but thats just a detail). However, if there was a point to this blog, I would like it to be that not getting on training isn't the end of the world, and that people do well despite not getting what they initially set out for.

Just looking at the statistics most people that apply get rejected, yet most of the stories we hear are about people that make it. That seems as grotesquely distorted as watching Pretty Woman and expecting that most prostitutes end up marrying people like Richard Gere. But although we weren't selected, we are not worthless. This was really rammed home to me at this latest interview. We had achieved a lot, our skills were appreciated, and that someone will value us. My new manager made it clear that I was far more than just a reservelist jockey, the Cinderella that never gets to go to the ball, and I would say the same for the majority of the others with their unvoiced stories. Its just we never got to hear them.

Maybe if more of these stories out there the whole trip would be a lot less painful? Where are the stories of people going onto other things and do brilliantly? That's not to put down the achievements of those that make it, but to also recognise that those that don't are also important as well in their own way.

I guess this blog to me will be about a time in my life where lots of things could have happened, but in the end I made a single choice. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, but at least I made that choice.

...it didn't even matter.

... and there has been something else that I have been thinking about too.

There is that whole "follow your heart" "don't ever stop chasing your dream" X-factor style sentiment and I can see it as a good thing, in some cases (Yeah, I like Rocky too). At the same time I started to wonder was it a case of the plucky underdog trying to fight against all odds or was I the psychology equivelent of one of the bewildered, deluded tragic cases that goes before Simon Cowell et al, completely butchers "Angels" and then gets completely outraged when the Panel completely gun her down. Was every subsequent application cycle another way of shaking my fist and saying "You'll see Simon, I will make it as an international recording artist and get a number 1! Just you wait". I for one have always viewed that sort of parting shot as making things infinitly worse (my preferred style at being shot down by Sharon Osbourne would be to thank the panel and move along with at least a shred of dignity intact, Charlotte differed and said she would squat on Loius Walsh's desk and wee into his lap, but hey, to each their own).

Maybe this is my way of shaking my head and getting comiserated by Dermot? [Maybe I should stop with the X-factor comparison before it descends further.]

Thanks for all the comments and support that people have given. I have appreciated them greatly. As for the blog, it will be ending in the next couple of days, but i have a few more things to put down before I hand in my reservelist jockey spurs.