So glad we made it

Its funny to think that I have been blogging for over a year now. I thought I would have gradually got sick of it by the 20th post or thereabouts. In that time there have been highs and lows. Joyful euphoric rushes and soulcrushing dark nights of the soul. I guess that earns me the right to look back and "reflect" (as we psychology grads are so often asked to do).


Good things

I have gone from extremely unstable, lowly paid employment with no room to go up, to a solid job with decent money and a massive amount of autonomy. In terms of where I live, I went from sharing a grotty crumbling house in a dodgy neighbourhood to having my own place (and am currently in a position where I can think about buying on my own, although I do hate people that go on and on about property so this is the first and last time I am going to mention it). Although I miss the constant company, its a fair trade for being able to keep my shit lying around and not having to wash up Sarah's breakfast cereal bowl. Or finding the last bit of cheese nicked when I was relying on it for tonight's supper.

Its been achievable, and part of me thinks I am crazy for not doing it sooner.

As for the blog, I am happy to have been able to meet and find out about a variety of people through writing this. I particularly feel good when people say "Oh, you nailed that just right". Would have probably changed a thing or two but that was always going to be the way.

Bad things

The worst thing is having to keep everything in your head and the constant responsibility for running my own house. Also the increased responsibility at work is great, but it comes with the added pressure if I mess up I can't go to someone like my ex supervisor and give it to them to sort out. Its like leaving home again for the first time in many ways.

I still sometimes think about leaving the clinical psychology path, its not as raw as it was last year, but I do wonder if I may have got on this year, or next, or after that (and so on into infinity). Its not really regret anymore but more like one of those idle fantasies like what would have happened if you never met your best mate, or if your mum and dad had been different. I am glad that there is a large mental health element to my job, which is important to me, but when I do sometimes get an email from a psychologist or hang out with friends who are still in the game I do wonder "That could have been me" or "Would I have done it like that?".

Being long term single can suck. Really suck. Its not the babies issue, or anything like wanting a rich husband, or even that I mind being alone. Its more like the fact that your world starts to shrink when everyone else starts getting hooked up, so you start feeling like you are excluded from this members only club, or a doubles only sport. Cynical old me thinks that things will pick up once the mid life crisis/ divorce olympics start (I am guessing mid 30s to early 40s). Until then putting up with intrusive questions, well meaning friends trying to hook you up with losers and paying single supplements on mini-breaks. There are worse things. Like being in a loveless relationship, with someone you have long since lost any respect for, and are struggling on a daily basis to stop hating even more.

Bad things regarding the blog. It can sometimes feel like you have to top the last entry you made, which is a competitive cycle with myself that really has to stop. The flack from a few weeks ago didn't really upset me that much, but it made people around me cluck around like mother hens (I appreciate the support guys). I do sometimes wonder if this blog fuels my inner bitch, but I guess if it does, it's better in cyberspace than impacting on my workplace, social circle or strangers on the street. While the blog can be therapeutic it can also feel like a compulsion in itself.

I will definitely have to watch that.